2010 A Year in Review

I didn’t have the inspiration or my act together well enough this year to include a family letter in with our Christmas card. Of course now they have been sent and inspiration has hit. Go figure.

I didn’t want to write a trite, “Everything is so wonderful” letter when in actuality, although this year has been truly wonderful, it also truly exhausting, difficult, sad, and frustrating too. Few people want to read about that though.

As I type I am sitting in beautiful Estes Park, CO in a quiet condo, watching the Big Thompson flow outside our balcony. The peace and serenity is just what I needed. I know in a few minutes Steve and the kids will burst through the door, back from a walk and life will get loud and goofy again and I love that too! But for now this is the perfect place for me to sit and look back over our year. Well almost perfect – it could use a little snow!

This over-running theme for 2010 has been “Growth.”. I have grown immensely as a wife, mother, friend and even business-woman - something I never pictured myself doing. Our kids have grown into (usually) delightful young people. Zachary has had to learn some hard lessons himself and has matured in ways I was not ready for him to have to experience just yet. Kendall has also grown and become much more in control of herself and her actions, and also learned that sometimes friendships can be fickle and painful. Ellie has become even more independent and confident, and is also learning how to be a good friend and responsible student as she started Kindergarten this year. We are very proud to brag they are all in accelerated math and reading groups and so thankful for a school that lets them grow and explore to their full potential!

During these past 12 months we have had to bear witness to unspeakable pain and heartbreak for too many of our friends and family. We have carried our own burdens and struggles within our family as well. We have had joys and challenges, laughs and tears, and countless memories to carry us on. And through it all, Steve and I have realized God has used these experiences and this year as a whole to teach us to love. We have been able to come together to make the commitment to do as God asks us to and that is simply to {love}. Time and time again I have heard His message that He is in control of everything else beyond that. It has been a very difficult but also very freeing experience! It has brought Steve and me closer together which then makes everything else run so much easier in our small family. Looking back I can now see that God has taken all of these ups and downs and weaved them together into a beautiful picture of His promise to us. It is with that faith we are truly excited to see what God has in store for us this coming year!

We have had many highs this year too. We have been able to travel a lot. Over the 4^th of July weekend we celebrated my cousin’s wedding beautiful Eagle, CO and had precious family time. Later in July and into August we went to Oklahoma to see my parents and uncles. During this trip we also went to Arkansas with my parents to dig in a diamond mine which was quite an experience! (And very hot.) From Oklahoma (I still sing while spelling that!) we went to Iowa where we celebrated Steve’s youngest sister’s wedding (to a truly wonderful man) and had some precious time with extended family. It is so wonderful to see our kids playing with their cousins and sitting with their Great-Grandparents! We were also treated to visits from both of Steve’s sisters and their families to Colorado and had a blast doing all sorts of touristy things with them in Denver! In October I went Orlando for a Juice Plus+ Leadership Conference. It was a whirlwind trip and incredibly exciting and uplifting to be with thousands of other people all working to improve people’s health and wellness. A million thanks to my mom who was able to come out and help Steve with the kids while I was gone.

I think in addition to learning to love everyone and let go of the desire to judge or be “right” (but rather righteous,) I have also learned the need for margin in my life. Space to breath, to sit, to just be, or to be able to handle unexpected issues that always seem to come up when life is at its busiest. I have loved my volunteering with my MOPS group and now as a Community Coach with MOPS International, Women to Women (a Bible study group), this kids’ school, my work with Juice Plus+ and at the retirement community, and everything else that keeps me moving, but this holiday season I over extended myself and we all felt the strain of that. I am committing 2011 to be a year of balance and discernment. Soon I will be able to leave my part-time job at the retirement community and focus on my work as a wellness educator. This social butterfly has been craving time at home, secluded from the static of the world and to do that I need to learn how to say no. That is why our time right now in Estes right now is such a blessing.

My prayer for you is that you all find margin, quiet, peace and abundant love in the coming year and beyond!

“Not to us, oh Lord, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness.” Psalm 115:1

Why Do I Even Bother?

OK so once again I am resorting to this blog as a tool to rant sort out my thoughts. Knowing that read if you wish. If you do read this through I would really appreciate any thoughts, encouragement and ideas. I guess I deserve a little “What were you thinking!?” too so if that is how you feel let that fly too. Gently.

So here is the thing. Without going into specifics, so forgive the vagueness, someone in my family who I loved and trusted hurt an important member of my family who I love dearly. There were some extenuating circumstances that added to the layers of the issue but I would rather not go too far into those. Now at this point you might be wondering “Why are you bringing this up at all?” The answer is simply… I don’t know.

Anyway, as a result of the 1^st person’s betrayal and behavior I became angry. Not just mad but like the Incredible Hulk, shirt tearing, irrational, Red Ross angry. I prayed and ask many others to pray for me too because I know the level of anger and hatred I was feeling was not right. The prayers helped but still any time I would hear about or think about this person I would loose control again and felt like I was starting all over. In one of these bad moments I rashly decided to delete this person from my Facebook list without alerting them. At the time in my anger I was thinking “To heck with them,” but now I can see how immature and hurtful I was being.

This has been months now and now the dearly loved family member and the other one are reconciling. Much has been forgiven between them and now I am put in the uncomfortable position of having that person back in my life and I am not too pleased about that. Still there is nothing I can or even should do about it. I have to support those who I love, even if I think they are putting themselves in a situation where they could be harmed again. I think it is always easier to forgive someone who hurts you directly than to forgive someone who hurts those you love. In this case this person did both and while I can forgive the offense to me, I can’t seem to completely move past the rest of it.

I have been praying a LOT for God to help me with this. The sharp edges of my anger have become smoother and the pain in my heart is duller. There is still anger and pain and mistrust there but with God’s help I know I can let that go completely.

Today I attempted to take the first steps in this. I took a somewhat bold move and wrote this person an email. Now the email was the wimpy part – the bold part was that I focused the email on asking for forgiveness from this person. I asked for forgiveness for my immaturity, for not being the friend and family member I know they needed, forgiveness even for the stupid Facebook thing. I remember a speaker at a Weekend To Remember talking about how empowering and freeing it can be to ask for forgiveness even if you were wronged too. It is not my place to point out another’s faults. I can only take care of my own. I am a sinner and I asked someone to forgive me.

Sadly I am also a sinner who is not completely in control of her emotions and I said some things that while honest and true, came across pretty harsh. It was not the right time or the right way and it totally negated all the potential good the rest of the email could have done. I do not regret what I said but rather the how and when. Ugh. It was stupid and prideful and I have no excuse.

I got back a pretty snippy reply and I tried to continue with the communication to clear things up. Sadly this person just continued to get more upset and basically told me I we never had nor will we ever have a relationship. Ouch. That stings. A lot. And not just to my pride. Although I am feeling pretty indignant too. Hey, just being honest.

So now I am torn. On one hand I want to go back again and again until they hear what I was trying to say and agree with me see things from my side. On another hand I want to say “Well forget you and the horse you rode in on. I was fine without you before and I will be fine without you now.” However being they are family, I know that is not really rational. It still feels good to say it out loud. And then on another hand (yeah I know it’s 3 hands. Just go with it.) I sort a wish I would have not even messed with the email and everything could go back to its dysfunctional normal.

What can I say? I am flawed. I like to be right. I am prideful and a sinner. Thank you Jesus I am saved because I surely can’t do this on my own! And I seem to have a need to prove that last point over and over again.

Save the REAL Men

I try to find the positive and humor in everything. Really – life is too short to be cranky and negative even if it is totally justified and feels perversely good at the time. I have been trying to find the right way to word what is on my mind for this post because I do not want to focus on the negative and I think people don’t really want to hear it either.

Last night was my son’s last baseball game for this season. We have had such a great and fun year and were really psyched to end the year with a fun game under the lights. Sadly the other team was headed by two coaches who were so focused on winning they encouraged their boys to manipulate the rules, try to sneak playing with a weighted bat, walked our best hitter when they were already up by 5 runs, benched a boy who was not as athletic as the others, who coached a player to mow down our catcher and injured him for no reason (ball was in the outfield and they were up by 9 runs with 5 minutes left in the game), who laughed about him being injured and continued to run the bases as he rolled on the ground in pain, and then chanted “We’re #1” and sang “We are the Champions” when our coaches decided we were not going to continue to play.

As a former athlete, a mom, and just a caring human being the entire evening was so wrong on so many levels that I am still sick to my stomach. I ache for the boys on that team who think that is what baseball is all about. My heart breaks for the boy who was not encouraged to do his best and to try to improve, but rather that the only thing he could offer his teammates was to do the least damage possible. I am baffled by the parents of that team who allowed their sons to be on a team like that. I am worried about what those men must be like at home and the kind of men they are raising their sons to be. I am worried about the boy who was hurt. I am sad for our team who had to end the year with such a scary experience. I am angry that my son had to be exposed to such ugliness at such a young age and in an environment that is supposed to be a happy and safe place for him. I am still in shock and horror of the viciousness of the hit and seeing that child rolling in pain as his father (one of the assistant coaches) sat at his side trying to figure out how badly he was hurt with a full range of emotions etched on his face.

It is hard to let all of this go but I have to. I choose to. I want to focus on all the great things I saw last night in the midst of such disgusting behavior. First of all we have the best. coaches. EVER! Our coaches and boys handled themselves impeccably throughout the game and afterwards. The boys did their best to stay focused and not let the ickiness affect them. When their teammate was injured they all ran towards home plate to see if he was ok. One boy called for them to take a knee and they all did. During the game several of our boys were seen talking and being friendly with the boys on the other team. While the other team taunted our team, they ignored it. While the parents cried out our complaints, our coaches had the presence of mind to keep the boys focused on the game. While the other team pulled out all the stops, including cheating to try to win, our coaches focused on playing fair and having fun. We could have stacked the line-up, had our best pitchers on the mound and benched a couple players in an effort to score more points. We didn’t though and for that I am so thankful. When our player was injured our coaches could have yelled and swore and placed blame, but none of that would have spoken as loudly as the statement “We’re done,” did was they gathered their players to leave the field. Our boys learned a great lesson in character and regardless of the score I feel we won. I pray our coaches return next year because I want my son to have as much access to great men like these as possible. And sadly I fear they are a dying breed.

Warning - Grouchy Mommy Ahead

I should be wrapped in CAUTION tape. Ever have one of those days where everything is irritating? Even air is super annoying? Not wind, just air. And local news "personalities" (if obnoxious is a personality). And Facebook Mobile. And a things touching me - like my shirt. I am in a horrible, foul, rancid mood and I am not entirely sure why (although miserable allergies and lack of sleep are suspects.) I am not sure how to fix it. I really have no point other than I somehow hope that giving words to my angst will help lessen it. And to hope someone will pray for my kids because they are stuck with my grumpy butt all day.

I highly suspect PMS - actually I seriously hope it is PMS because if not there is something seriously wrong with me which means I have to see the doctor. I hate going to the doctor. The very idea logistically drains me and makes me even more grouchy. I am one of those people that thinks I can diagnose myself as well as they can and therefore I should be able to just call in my prescriptions or whatever and cut out all those middle men/women like doctors and nurses. It may be result of being part of a huge HMO for the last 11 years which makes me talk to about 5 people and about 24 automated menus just to refill a prescription.

I am going to be doing my best to isolate myself and spare humanity from having to put up with me. But this is hard because I am a mom and I am ALWAYS surrounded by people and these people need me to be around for things like food and to remind them not to run with scissors or sit on their sister's head. I also should do this all without causing psychological scars. Plus they can't drive themselves which means I have to because we have things like swim lessons and swim team and doctor's appointments and grocery shopping. I can see why moms turn to pills - not that I condone it or want to make light of addiction at all - but let's just say the thought may have crossed my mind once or twice this morning and I can see where they may be coming from.

Alright it is 10am so I think that is late enough to dive face-first into the chocolate chips with my head in the freezer so that my kids don't see what I am doing. I still have to set a good example. Or at least try.

Why I NEED this chocolate

Today was going to be a busy day. I had cancelled 2 things and still it was going to be a busy day. Because of this I planned my day accordingly:

7am - wake up and shower.

730am - get Happy up and dressed to go to work with me

745am - out the door with breakfast in hand (or maybe grab something a cute local coffee shop if I am in a good mood and we are on time.)

8am - arrive at work and be uber productive while everyone oohs and ahhs over my super sweet and well-behaved offspring (What? It could happen.)

1115am - leave work to swing by Target to buy the perfect gift (which will be on sale) and

then get to the 7 year old birthday party

12 - arrive at birthday party, help out, enjoy some time with grown ups while enjoying laughs over our adorable children who manage to have a ball playing inside and out without trashing the house, mussing up their clothes, or getting into fights or hurt.

3pm - leave party, swing by store to pick up some last minute items for dinner

4pm - arrive home to my lovely family, clean house and enjoy a quiet afternoon

Yeah. Weeeeeell - that didn't exactly happen. Here is how my day really went.

9am - wake up to screeching somewhere in my house. With blood-pressure verging on causing an aneurysm I fly into the shower half dressed while yelling at kids to stop yelling (yes I see the irony, thanks) and telling Happy to hurry up and get dressed and no I do not have time to

explain why or what to wear but that please for the love of all that is holy will you just do what I tell you just this once without 20 questions? (And the Mother of the Year award goes to....)

930am - have huge fight with husband (not epic, but pretty big)

10:00am - fly out door without breakfast, hair wet and clothes half on (for both of us)

10:15am - arrive at work (fully dressed thankyouverymuch) and proceed to attempt to salvage my morning with my sweet daughter 1 on 1 by printing out some fun coloring sheet and finding other fun things for her to do while with me at work after the sweet folk-singer is done entertaining us and the adoring residents who are sweetly singing along. Small boy finds slug on fireplace. Steps on other slug while trying to get someone to remove first slug.

10:30am - call IT guy on cell as he is spending quality time with his grandson to explain how my computer is vomiting virus and spyware warnings in-between popping up XXX images and porn advertisements and other like minded filth.

1040-11am - try not to cry. Fail. But manage to do so hiding in fax room so not to worry sweet daughter who is currently coloring on my desk with a Marks-A-Lot.

12:15pm - FLY out to birthday party which began 15 minutes ago and is 30 minutes away. Awesome.

12:45pm - arrive at party, yay! Realize we never bought a gift. To borrow a phrase from a blog I love, crap-crappity-crap-crap. Sweet gracious mom of bday boy reassures me it is OK. Darling daughter quietly freaks out, whispering frantically in my ear that she is so. totally. embarrassed.

Yeah. Me too.

1:15pm - arrive back at work to attempt to fix my demented computer. Find more slugs and worms that met an untimely demise and attempt to get Nepalese housekeepers to help. Give up and do it myself while trying not to puke. Cannot get a hold of IT guy who has stopped answering

his cellphone. Also cannot stop vile images from popping up on my screen WHICH by the way, is in full view of the front doors and lobby which is busier than Mother's Day for some unknown reason.

2:30pm - flee my computer and its nastiness to race out and buy pathetic gift from Rite Aid, load it with candy to try to make up for it, and race across town.

3:15pm - arrive late to pick up very happy and sugar high'd daughter wearing half the outfit she began with and hair all disheveled (Helen Keller pre-Anne Sullivan comes to mind.)

Luckily the sisterhood of mothers is strong and good and my sisters surround me and make me laugh without having to explain why half of my hair is sticking up, there are post-its on my elbow, and I look like I have been rode hard and put away wet and more like Helen Keller than my daughter. Or maybe Lord of the Flies or something. I am pretty sure the only reason why they let me leave with my child is because I did not smell like alcohol.

4:00pm - arrive at home, haul in a years worth of bags, papers, tissue paper, goodie bags and wrappers while Happy races in the house, slamming the door behind her. Once inside I am greeted by soggy floors (dh shampooed carpets following fight in the morning. Nice thought at least...), rain soaked dog shaking and drying himself on my newly washed carpets, and everyone asking what is for dinner.

...and this is why I NEED this chocolate. And ice cream. And 2 maybe 3 glasses of wine.

My Mother's Day Revelation

About a week ago a wonderful woman I know announced a contest of sorts through her organization Xylem Family Resource. All one had to do was write a note about their favorite part of being a mom. I have been thinking about it a lot since then because I honestly could not pin down what my favorite part was. Well this morning I think I got it, even though it is too late for the contest. So I will share it here because, honestly, it is pretty awesome!

I guess in my heart and soul I have always known my favorite part of being a mom, but today is when the words came to express that. Well at least as well as words can.

I am immensely blessed when it comes to Mothers. See I have one wonderful mother, the one who I was formed in, who grew me and brought me into this world. This mother I have never met because shortly after my birth she relinquished me so that I could have a better life than what she could offer me. You see, although she came from a large, loving and supportive family, she was a student and was single. She knew the life she wanted for me was more than she could give, and that there were families out there praying for the baby she carried, who would be able to give her child everything she hoped for. That kind of love leaves a mark on someone.

And then there is my mom. The most amazing, smart, loving, funny, beautiful, faithful, God loving, wise, and kind woman I have ever known. She is the one who told me about boys, braided my hair, and taught me how to cook and how to apply mascara. She is the one my kids call Grandma and who I call when I forget a recipe or just need to talk. She grounds me and loves me exactly as I am. That kind of love changes a person.

Growing up I never felt unwanted or abandoned. My mom and dad did an amazing job telling me what little we know about my birth parents, and always told me it was out of self-sacrificing love that my birth mom gave me up. I always felt as much a part of the family as my by-birth relatives. I always felt like a gift, a miracle, and that security gave me wings.

One thing I did miss growing up was having people who looked like me. Sure my parents and brother and I have similar features, (to the point in high school I lost friends because they thought I was lying about being adopted,) but nothing like having my mother’s nose or grandpa’s chin or dad’s eyes. So when my first was born I so hoped and prayed he would look just like me. He didn’t. In truth he is nearly identical to his dad. Identical except for one thing. When Z was about a week old I noticed it. He has my hands. Wrapped around my finger was the most perfect and identical miniature version of me. I burst into tears, quickly wiping them away so I could continue to gaze at them. I think I stared at his hands for hours a day. I still marvel at them. (And my other 2 kids have my hands too!)

So what’s the point, you may be asking. Here it is. The thing I realized this morning, what is my most favorite part of being a mother, is that I get to pass on the most wonderful aspects of my mothers. From physical characteristics that may be from my birth mom, to the importance of God in my life from my mom – these are the gifts I am honored to give to my children. The immensity of my love for my children is funneled down to them from the immense love I have been given by my earthly mothers. I know what it is like to be unconditionally, intensely and unceasingly loved by women of strength and character. I pray I can live up to their example and let my kids experience that too.

I Just Want You To Like Me!

Everyday on the way to and from my kids' school I drive past 2 houses that house 2 people that I don't like. I won't get into the "whys" because they do not matter. What does matter is that twice a day everyday I have to face the fact that they are there, and the uncomfortable emotions that well up inside of me. You see I used to like these 2 families. Quite a lot actually. But then something happened that tore apart those relationships and I am having a hard time getting past that. I have spent a lot of time praying that I could just get over it, forgive what needs to be forgiven, and to move on being able to genuinely wish them the best. I have made great progress in these areas and really do not miss having either of these people in my life. Still I drive past and cannot stop that bubbling up from my stomach and chest that is a strange mix of sadness and anger and something else. Self righteousness? Remorse? Shame? I can't put my finger on it. I know I don't like it though.

Today as I was returning home from the kids' school I passed house #1 and the emotions began to well up. I got frustrated with myself and began to pray for the first time that God show me why am I feeling this way? God is so good and so faithful. I finally get it. I am bothered by the fact that these people do not like me, but more so that they believe things about me that are absolutely untrue and there is nothing I can do about it!!! Eureka! Being able to finally identify it I can begin to move on.

Now I have no desire what so ever to have these people back into my life so I will not be approaching them or anything like that. No, this is something I have to do for myself and within myself. I cannot control how others think and feel about me or anything else. I have to accept that some people will just not *gasp* like me. [Deep breath, Deann. You'll be OK.]

I wish I could be the type of person who is who she is and doesn't get bothered by what others think about her. But that is not how God made me. I am bothered by being unliked and misunderstood. Not sure what to do with this revelation, but I am sure glad I have had it! And I trust as I grow in God that I will begin to focus more on Who does like me and not worry so much about everyone else. :)

I am obsessed. My thoughts and emotions are consumed by my heartbreak. Too dramatic? Perhaps, but also far too true. To be honest it is difficult to find words to explain what I am thinking and feeling because I cannot even get them organized in my own head. I am scattered and distracted but also convicted that I have to do what small I can to make a positive influence. My thoughts and therefore my writing is going to be scattered and may be hard to follow. I apologize in advance.

Let me back up first. For those of you who have noticed my recent Facebook activity you probably can gather where my thoughts are. For those of you who have not, let me explain. About two weeks ago a lovely 8 year old girl, Lydia, died as a result of serious abuse from her parents, Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz. Her younger sister was hospitalized in critical condition because of the same session. I say session because through the other 7 children in the house (9 total, 6 biological, 3 adopted), we know that these beatings were a regular occurrence. The parents followed the “teachings” of the No Greater Joy “Ministries” and the founders Michael and Debi Pearl. I will not go into depth here what these two teach, but the Schatzes followed their teachings and took to beating their children with a length of plumbing tubing as a way to train their children to be sinless, which is only part of the heinous ideas the Pearls encourage. If you want to know the story in better detail I encourage you to read the blogs I have been reading, which are written by and husband and wife that knew the Schatz family – Laurie & Paul.

** Side note - I think that it is important to know all I can about things like this but I refuse to sully this blog by linking to the Pearls’ website. They are denying all responsibility for this death, for the explosion within this family and their community. It is also important to know this is not the first child to die as a result of their teachings. However, that is your choice and I will not force those evils upon you.

This story has touched me on such a deep level that I simply must act. It is like breathing – if I do not do it I will most certainly die. I have always been a tender person, sensitive, compassionate, quick to cry, and deeply feeling. I used to think this was in a flaw of mine. I would be teased by friends, family and schoolmates for crying at the drop of a hat, frequently over pains that did not directly effect me, or effected my beyond what was considered appropriate. I now know that God made me this way and that these traits are actually gifts He has given me to use to glorify Him.

But how? What am I supposed to do? As I struggle to get my thoughts organized I write. I welcome you to hear what I am thinking and offer any opinions, thoughts or whatever.

First it begins at the “teachings” from the Pearls and the churches that support their beliefs. I know that I know that I know that the idea of sinless human is an impossible and foolish idea. However there are teachers and pastors and denominations that vehemently believe and teach this – that there is some way we can earn heaven, earn God’s favor and grace by our actions and performance. The Bible plainly says otherwise again and again. “No one can come to the Father except through Me,” ring any bells? (John 14:6)

These hate filled teachings (if you can even call them that), are in my opinion born from the deepest pits of hell, are disguised as God’s plan for us and lead people to believe that our God is an angry, abusive, hateful God just waiting fo rus to mess up so he can lay into us. The exact opposite is true! He loves us! He made us just so he could love us! We are His pride, His treasure, His masterpieces! He loves us with a fierceness we cannot imagine! And my heart breaks for all the poor souls, even the Pearls, who believe otherwise.
(For proof see Romans 5:5, 8, and 8:38, 2Timothy 1:7, 1John 4:7 just to name a few.)

So I sit here, furiously typing and thinking (frustrated that I cannot match the two better,) and praying that God will reveal to me why He made me the way He did, and how He wishes me to use my gifts of tears and a servant’s-heart to His glory. I am so sad for the family, the children, their friends, and even so sad for the parents. More I am so angry at the parents, their church, the Pearls and anyone else who spreads this brand of fear, hate and lies. And in my anger I cling to these words:

" Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is born of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God--for God is love. God showed how much he loved us by sending his only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him. This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins. Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love has been brought to full expression through us. And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. . . And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we are like Christ here in this world. Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us. "
1 John 4: 7-13, 17-18

Faith Like a Child

Today E was happily playing by herself in her room. She was playing with checker pieces, stacking and counting and organizing them by their color or the Disney Princess that was on them. She was so quiet and content I became concerned and called out to her. Hearing her voice was not enough reassurance so I hurried up the stairs to SEE her. I was not worried that she was injured or into anything she shouldn't be, but she still I needed to see her. I missed her, even though she had only been away from me for a short time.

As I type this I am having a revelation. (God always uses my kids to get to me!) It makes me realize how often I am not with Him, how often I am quiet from Him and how He might feel about all this. He calls out to me to make sure I am OK. If my answer does not convince Him, He comes to me closer with a touch, a song or through a friend. He misses me and just wants me to be with Him ALL THE TIME!

A few minutes passed and E came downstairs with a game to play. It is one of those fishing games where the base spins and the fish's mouths open and you try to hook them. She and I put new batteries in it and she was off and running. After a few minutes I was able to join her and we noticed the game was spinning slowly. Then it stopped. We shut it off and then back on. Nothing. We shut it off for longer and when she turned it back on it worked. Then I noticed the smell. Anyone with toys that have small motors knows that smell. Like hot plastic or something. Not a good sign.

We finished our game with me gently helping the game spin. When we were done I explained the game was broken so we could not play it anymore. E asked if I could change the batteries. I explained to her that it was not a problem with the batteries but with the motor. "Can you change the motor?" she asked, fully confident my answer would be "Of course!" Did I tell you I did NOT graduate from MIT? Yeah. This is beyond my scope. I was so touched though by her faith in me and her honest confusion that I could not fix this. She was not upset about it, just perplexed. As I type she is still playing with the game, mixing the fish up, arranging and rearranging them in the game, and trying to spin it by hand and fish at the same time. I guess that is my cue to get off the computer and go play with my daughter some more.

I [Heart] Thanksgiving!!!

For as long as I can remember, Thanksgiving has been one of my favorite holidays. As a child it was my parents that hosted all of our family and friends for dinner. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and friends would come over, each bringing a dish to share. Our house would be filled with talking and laughter. The kids would run around and play. If it was snowy we would sled, build snowmen and have snowball fights. Sometimes even the adults would join in! My cousin's Portuguese grandma (Vovo) would bring her fabulous pastries which we would all fight to get to first. My dad would wake up early to start his turkey, which he would slave over all day. Frequently the Sunday before we would have a Pre-Thanksgiving feast to make sure we have enough food for everyone! There was usually about 30 people in our tiny house. I can remember bringing in the old picnic table from outside just so most people could find a seat, and still we had to fight for a spot to sit down. Dad would get frustrated because everyone wanted to gather in the kitchen, but in the end always said that it was one of the best Thanksgivings ever.

Now as a parent it is such a blessing that my family has continued this tradition. My cousin and her husband host now since my parents have moved out of state. We still typically have 20-30 people there and Vovo still brings her amazing pastries.

This consistency is in thanks to my Grandpa on my mom’s side, who always instilled that family comes first. He made his six children promise to keep getting together for the holidays and that promise has since been upheld by my generation. I am so fortunate that I have this foundation on which to build my family. In troubled times I rely on legacies like these. It is one of the many things we give thanks for.

My Aunt Mary (my mom's sister. They look like twins but aren't. Their youngest brothers are though.)

Aunt Maria and her mom (Vovo )

Cousin Sarah and her handsome men, Collin and Adam

Vovo, our oldest living relative, and my cousin Ben's daughter Emily, the youngest and her Great-Granddaughter

Aunt Kathleen and Cousin Sarah (the hostess with the mostest!)

Ten Years

Anniversaries are weird. Both good and bad – they are all weird. Not in a bad way but in the way they affect me. I almost always spend the entire day remembering where I was and what I was doing at this exact time. It all seems so fresh in my mind and heart.

Today is the anniversary of the Columbine High School shootings. I know the nation and even the world may be remembering this. There will be an article in the paper or a segment on the news reflecting back on what happened that day and how things have changed since.

Ten years ago today I was engaged to my husband, living in a fabulous apartment near downtown, and working at a wonderful office in Denver. I rarely thought about Columbine or the people there, even though I had graduated from there just a few years earlier. Then as a coworker came in from lunch she said that there was a shooting at a high school in Littleton. Imagine my surprise when she told me it was my typical, beige, suburban alma mater. I thought for sure it was some punk kid trying to be a “gangsta” or something. I certainly never imagined the horrors that would unfold.

My coworkers covered my duties so I could watch the news coverage in a small coffee room. I stood there in disbelief; numb as I watched SWAT teams swarm the building I spent so much time in. It had been remodeled and expanded after I graduated so I could not picture the scenarios that would unfold. All I could think about were the teachers I knew and the younger siblings of friends I thought might still be students. I quickly sent an email to one of the few friends I was still in touch with. She was stationed in South Korea and her youngest sister was a senior. I later found out that her sister was planning to work on a paper in the library but all the computers were being used. She instead headed to her other sister’s house and was leaving the front of the building as Brian and Dylan were entering the back. That makes me shudder even today.

As the details poured out and names were released I racked my brain trying to remember if the names were familiar. Then they said that a teacher was killed. Dave Sanders. Coach. He was a good man and a good teacher. I had him one semester. One of his daughters was a friend of mine. I ached for her. I saw my old theatre teacher breaking down in a student's arms and wished I was there for her too. I worried about another friend’s sister and saw her that evening on the coverage of a candlelight vigil held at my old church. That is when I first broke down and I sobbed myself to sleep.

Now ten years later I look at the clock and think about how it was just an average day. It was sunny and cool. All of those normal everyday things were happening. And in an instant that all changed. Not just for me or my high school, but for all schools in our country and so many countless people across the world.

The students graduating from high school this year were in the 2nd grade when the shooting happened. Chances are they do not remember it. They have never known a school without locked doors, closed-circuit cameras, police on campus, and lockdown drills. Their sociology books have always covered Columbine. The memorial wall always a part of their landscape.

Now as a parent I have fears my parents never had. The idea of a child planning an attack like those at Columbine, Jonesboro, and others were incomprehensible. The generation before mine sent their kids to school trusting they were safe. Their biggest worries were that their child may smoke behind the gym or skip geometry. Parents of students today send their kids to school praying the bully intervention and security measures are enough to keep their kids safe for one more day. Our hearts lurch whenever a lockdown is put into place.

I am not sure how I am going to spend the day today. Remembering. Praying. Perhaps I will venture down to Littleton. Check out the Memorial. Bring some flowers. Or just stay home and thank God for the blessings he has given me, if only for today.

A Must-Follow Blog

I love to share things I find useful, interesting, and fun. This blog is no different. The author, someone I am proud to know, is so full of wisdom and grace and that shows in her writtings which are about her parenting style and techniques. Not only is she a great mom, but she is a trained educator and counselor so she knows her stuff. Her blog is new so it will not take you long to get caught up. After reading her 4 entries, I am so energized and pumped up about being a better parent to my kids! Check it out and let her (and me) know what you think!

Parenting What I Preach

Happy Blogging!

Today was a normal day until...

the sky fell.

OK so not really but I, or rather my van, was abused by objects falling or from the sky courtesy of a very strong gust of wind today.

That missing piece of the sign is what fell/flew into my van. I was surprised by how heavy those things are and very thankful no body got hit by it.

Moral of the story - Upfront parking has its price.

Update

At least once a day I think about something I would like to blog about. So why does it never come to fruition? Too busy? Too tired? Too forgetful? Yes Yes and Yes. But to be honest with you and myself I think the biggest reason is a theme that seems to be weaving itself throughout many areas of my life. I can sum it up in one word.

Inadequate.

I cannot pinpoint where or when this became such a huge part of my life and I am sure it is something that always was lurking. Now it has become a headliner. In talking with my friends, I know I am not alone in this. I have been praying a lot that the constant recording of "You are not *insert adjective like good, smart, talented * enough" would be replaced with the Truth. So bear with me as I struggle through this.

Fortunately our God is a gracious and loving God and has faithfully placed people and opportunities for me to work through this. The Bible Study I just finished (Taking Charge by Andy Stanley) was great and the one we are about to start sounds like it was written for me! (Amber I will get that DVD back to you soon, I promise!) I keep trying to remember what I tell my kids which is this. God made you and God does not make mistakes.

Other highlights and happenings (in bullet form because I [heart] bullet points!)

• I am done homeschooling. As you may remember I was not exactly confident when we began this journey last August and so I am quite relieved it is over. The sad thing is that the rest of my family was really OK with it all. I however hated every minute of it. We got Z into a Charter School which is quite a drive from us. Z loves it so much and is so happy to be in school again and is doing really well. It has been a trick arranging how to get Z and K from school because they get out of school 5 minutes apart and are 30 miles away from each other. Since Scotty is not getting my calls to be beamed up, Steve is getting K and I am getting Z and we have a few lovely friends who offered to be back-up if we need it. This is only for the remainder of this year. Next year they will be in the same school - just not sure which school that will be. Stay tuned!
• Because of our new school situation I am back on a schedule. I personally do well with the structure a schedule brings. Because Z has to be at school in the morning now, I have to get up to get him there! I set my alarm an hour before the kids need to get up so that I can have some time to myself. I LOVE being up when the rest of the world is asleep! Those who knew me in high school and college will likely question that but I swear it is the truth. I treasure that hour to sit in the pre-dawn quiet of my house to read, pray, work-out or just drink my coffee. With the rest of my day filled with chores focused on the needs of others, this time for me is precious! And I love seeing the sun-rise. I get to witness the opening of the gift of each new day! Cheesy yes but hey, that's me! I do still struggle to get to bed early though. Gotta work on that.
• I have lost 8 pounds. Not many knew I was trying to loose weight and honestly I am not one for the formality of starting a diet so I didn't. What did I do? Just a few small things like not snacking before bed, paying attention to what I eat, getting more protein in my diet and working out more often. I have no set weight or size I am striving for, but I do want to be able to run a 5k and I want to fit into this cute dress I got for my cousin's wedding. I got it at a thrift store and it does not have any tags in it so I do not know the size which works with my non-goal non-diet. I'll post pictures sometime.

I think that is about it.

Mid-Week Pick-Me-Up

My cousin sent this to me and it is so cute I had to share. It is only a little over a minute long. I hope you have a great day!

Yee-Haw!

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend the National Western Stock Show with my kids. After a suprise snow storm (see above!), my hubby's rushed trip to buy chains for the van, figuring out how to put them on, returning home to take them off because the roads were only wet (total I-told-you-so opportunity, which I resisted), and a very slow drive to the complex - we made it! The storm turned out to work in our favor because it seemed to have kept many people home. I hate crowds when I am with my kids. Serious anxiety attacks. But that is a blog for a different day.

Back to the four-legged fun!

Instead of giving you a play by play, I will just share a few of my many pictures.

Back-Stage with a Professional Rodeo Clown:

There is more room in there than in my old apartment!

Watching the Cowboys:

I loved the lightning bolt mark on this horse.

Petting Farm:Happy was very popular after she spilled their food in her coat and hood.

I know it doesn't look like it, but she really loved this over-sized rocking horse. I think it was me she was getting annoyed with! :)

Laughing at Others' Expense

I have not been very good at reading my favorite blogs. Many, admittedly I have just marked as read. I am trying to keep up with the ones people I know in real life write, but even that is a struggle at times lately. I blame Facebook. You can too.

Tonight however I was trying to catch up a little. I had triple-digit unread entries.

Oh the humanity.

After catching up on my real-life friends I went on to my bloggy friends and came across this gem that had me falling out of my chair I was laughing so hard. I have shared her blog here before so she may be familiar to you all. This woman always brightens my day and this is why. In particular is the part about her dog. My parents have a cute wiener dog and so I could totally picture this scene.

I am still laughing! Thanks, Sarah!

Again, Merry Christmas.

FaLaLaLaLa....

Do you ever have one of those moments where it seems as though God is speaking to you so clearly it is hard to breathe? I am having one of those moments so what do I do? Pray? No, I blog.

I am not sure what God is trying to speak to me. I think I am a little too excited to listen well. I am 6 years old. Maybe it is the Christmas spirit, or the music or my parents driving out tomorrow, or my {adorable} children tucked all warm in their beds. Honestly it could also be the wine I treated myself to this evening. Whatever it is, I am feeling very blessed and happy and peaceful. And again so very blessed.

WARNING! If you have small children who can read and who do not know about the big, jolly guy ask them to leave the room before continuing.



Seriously.












Now.








All clear?







OK. Z is almost 9. Honestly this may be the last year of Santa for him. He has already started asking a few questions that lead us to believe he might be catching on. Truthfully I am not the best at being sly. Even when I am trying. I suppose it is a good quality that I am a horrible liar. Just ask my parents.

ANYWAYS!

So truthfully this may be the last year that has that magic for all of my children. That innocence that tells you truly {anything} could happen. I will so miss it. I will cry. Because I am a girl and that's what I do.

I also remember being the older sibling and getting to play along to make Christmas special and magical for my little brother. Z will love that. He is just that kind of kid.

As melancholy as this could make me feel I can't because for our entire lives, and the lives of all of us, we get to celebrate the true Magic of this Season and the greatest Gift we could every hope or dream of! The Almighty Father's gift of His Son so that we could be saved. Wow. Even typing it many many years past first learning of this Gift, it still blows me away. We are so blessed to be loved with a strength that is incomprehensible to our feeble minds.

So for this year at least, we will enjoy all the magic of the big, jolly guy and the true Magic of the season.

See why I feel so blessed!

On a totally different topic...

Many of you have been praying for my cousin and her/our family. First thank you so very much. There were a few very scarry days. I wanted to let you all know she is home and recovering well. Better yet she is glad to be home and alive. We are so thankful for that and all the prayers that carried us through. We have no idea what the road ahead will be, but He does and with that we can rest peacefully. If you think on it, please keep her in your prayers.

So with that I wish you and yours a very merry and peaceful Christmas filled with love, joy and laughter. If you are traveling, please be safe. If you are hosting, please be patient and let the little things go so you can enjoy your loved ones.

This Mother's Dream

Sing to the tune of I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas. Please remember I am no Anita Renfroe.

I’m dreaming of a clean kitchen
Where meals are cooked and counters clean.
Where laundry is ironed,
And I’m not so tired,
And offspring play peacefully.

I’m dreaming of a self-cleaning mirror,
And reflections that won’t make me scream.
I love the little fingers,
And the ones who own them,
But why do they have to be so greasy?

I’m dreaming of a hot shower,
That lasts long enough to rinse.
No, I don’t want to answer the phone!
May I please have just 5 minutes alone?


And now the real thing:

Take a Chill Pill

I admit it. I have been avoiding blogging. Not that I figure I was that missed or anything. Truth be told I have been a bit of a grump lately and I really do not want my posts here to be a never-ending vent-fest. Positive, funny, uplifting - these are the attributes I strive for. These are things that have been missing from my attitude and actions lately and I am not sure why.

Additionally I have had the attention span of pocket lint lately. Seriously. I will get a cute idea for a post and begin forming it in my head, only to be completely distracted by something meaningless and all my cute ideas are gone in a blink. Trust me they were completely fascinating, insightful, funny and heart-warming. Honest.

I am living a chicken-and-the-egg metaphor as well. I am not sure which happens first but a daily snowball wrecks havoc on our home in a never ending volley of my kids not listening to me or being mean to each other and me repeating myself and yelling and threatening to ground them for all eternity. Whichever is the initiator the end result is always the same - yelling, crying, big sighs, big threats, regrets, and guilt - and then my unsuspecting hubby comes home and is ambushed.

Wow, so this turned into more of a vent that I had wanted. And in true ADD fashion I have forgotten the point I wanted this post to be about so instead of rambling until I find a point I guess I will just end this here. Aren't you glad you stopped by?