Everyday on the way to and from my kids' school I drive past 2 houses that house 2 people that I don't like. I won't get into the "whys" because they do not matter. What does matter is that twice a day everyday I have to face the fact that they are there, and the uncomfortable emotions that well up inside of me. You see I used to like these 2 families. Quite a lot actually. But then something happened that tore apart those relationships and I am having a hard time getting past that. I have spent a lot of time praying that I could just get over it, forgive what needs to be forgiven, and to move on being able to genuinely wish them the best. I have made great progress in these areas and really do not miss having either of these people in my life. Still I drive past and cannot stop that bubbling up from my stomach and chest that is a strange mix of sadness and anger and something else. Self righteousness? Remorse? Shame? I can't put my finger on it. I know I don't like it though.
Today as I was returning home from the kids' school I passed house #1 and the emotions began to well up. I got frustrated with myself and began to pray for the first time that God show me why am I feeling this way? God is so good and so faithful. I finally get it. I am bothered by the fact that these people do not like me, but more so that they believe things about me that are absolutely untrue and there is nothing I can do about it!!! Eureka! Being able to finally identify it I can begin to move on.
Now I have no desire what so ever to have these people back into my life so I will not be approaching them or anything like that. No, this is something I have to do for myself and within myself. I cannot control how others think and feel about me or anything else. I have to accept that some people will just not *gasp* like me. [Deep breath, Deann. You'll be OK.]
I wish I could be the type of person who is who she is and doesn't get bothered by what others think about her. But that is not how God made me. I am bothered by being unliked and misunderstood. Not sure what to do with this revelation, but I am sure glad I have had it! And I trust as I grow in God that I will begin to focus more on Who does like me and not worry so much about everyone else. :)