Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Laughing at Others' Expense

I have not been very good at reading my favorite blogs. Many, admittedly I have just marked as read. I am trying to keep up with the ones people I know in real life write, but even that is a struggle at times lately. I blame Facebook. You can too.

Tonight however I was trying to catch up a little. I had triple-digit unread entries.

Oh the humanity.

After catching up on my real-life friends I went on to my bloggy friends and came across this gem that had me falling out of my chair I was laughing so hard. I have shared her blog here before so she may be familiar to you all. This woman always brightens my day and this is why. In particular is the part about her dog. My parents have a cute wiener dog and so I could totally picture this scene.

I am still laughing! Thanks, Sarah!

Again, Merry Christmas.

FaLaLaLaLa....

Do you ever have one of those moments where it seems as though God is speaking to you so clearly it is hard to breathe? I am having one of those moments so what do I do? Pray? No, I blog.

I am not sure what God is trying to speak to me. I think I am a little too excited to listen well. I am 6 years old. Maybe it is the Christmas spirit, or the music or my parents driving out tomorrow, or my {adorable} children tucked all warm in their beds. Honestly it could also be the wine I treated myself to this evening. Whatever it is, I am feeling very blessed and happy and peaceful. And again so very blessed.

WARNING! If you have small children who can read and who do not know about the big, jolly guy ask them to leave the room before continuing.



Seriously.












Now.








All clear?







OK. Z is almost 9. Honestly this may be the last year of Santa for him. He has already started asking a few questions that lead us to believe he might be catching on. Truthfully I am not the best at being sly. Even when I am trying. I suppose it is a good quality that I am a horrible liar. Just ask my parents.

ANYWAYS!

So truthfully this may be the last year that has that magic for all of my children. That innocence that tells you truly {anything} could happen. I will so miss it. I will cry. Because I am a girl and that's what I do.

I also remember being the older sibling and getting to play along to make Christmas special and magical for my little brother. Z will love that. He is just that kind of kid.

As melancholy as this could make me feel I can't because for our entire lives, and the lives of all of us, we get to celebrate the true Magic of this Season and the greatest Gift we could every hope or dream of! The Almighty Father's gift of His Son so that we could be saved. Wow. Even typing it many many years past first learning of this Gift, it still blows me away. We are so blessed to be loved with a strength that is incomprehensible to our feeble minds.

So for this year at least, we will enjoy all the magic of the big, jolly guy and the true Magic of the season.

See why I feel so blessed!

On a totally different topic...

Many of you have been praying for my cousin and her/our family. First thank you so very much. There were a few very scarry days. I wanted to let you all know she is home and recovering well. Better yet she is glad to be home and alive. We are so thankful for that and all the prayers that carried us through. We have no idea what the road ahead will be, but He does and with that we can rest peacefully. If you think on it, please keep her in your prayers.

So with that I wish you and yours a very merry and peaceful Christmas filled with love, joy and laughter. If you are traveling, please be safe. If you are hosting, please be patient and let the little things go so you can enjoy your loved ones.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

This Mother's Dream

Sing to the tune of I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas. Please remember I am no Anita Renfroe.

I’m dreaming of a clean kitchen
Where meals are cooked and counters clean.
Where laundry is ironed,
And I’m not so tired,
And offspring play peacefully.

I’m dreaming of a self-cleaning mirror,
And reflections that won’t make me scream.
I love the little fingers,
And the ones who own them,
But why do they have to be so greasy?

I’m dreaming of a hot shower,
That lasts long enough to rinse.
No, I don’t want to answer the phone!
May I please have just 5 minutes alone?


And now the real thing:

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Take a Chill Pill

I admit it. I have been avoiding blogging. Not that I figure I was that missed or anything. Truth be told I have been a bit of a grump lately and I really do not want my posts here to be a never-ending vent-fest. Positive, funny, uplifting - these are the attributes I strive for. These are things that have been missing from my attitude and actions lately and I am not sure why.

Additionally I have had the attention span of pocket lint lately. Seriously. I will get a cute idea for a post and begin forming it in my head, only to be completely distracted by something meaningless and all my cute ideas are gone in a blink. Trust me they were completely fascinating, insightful, funny and heart-warming. Honest.

I am living a chicken-and-the-egg metaphor as well. I am not sure which happens first but a daily snowball wrecks havoc on our home in a never ending volley of my kids not listening to me or being mean to each other and me repeating myself and yelling and threatening to ground them for all eternity. Whichever is the initiator the end result is always the same - yelling, crying, big sighs, big threats, regrets, and guilt - and then my unsuspecting hubby comes home and is ambushed.

Wow, so this turned into more of a vent that I had wanted. And in true ADD fashion I have forgotten the point I wanted this post to be about so instead of rambling until I find a point I guess I will just end this here. Aren't you glad you stopped by?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Have you heard of a new video game called Spore Creatures? Chances are if you have a boy around 8 years old who enjoys video games in your life you have because according to my own 8 ¾ year old, video-game-loving son, it is the latest and greatest. It is also #2 on his Christmas wish list. From what I can understand, it is a game where you can create your own ameba-monster looking creatures. I am not sure what you do with them after that.

A few times a day I hear how “cool” this game is and how much he hopes he gets it and the plans he has to earn and save money to buy it should he not get it. In the meantime however, my sweet and creative boy has invented a game he and his sister can play by drawing their own creatures. It is so sweet to watch them playing well and getting along. Especially these two! At times the youngest of our three gets in on the action. Right now as I type this, the three of them are laying on their stomachs on the floor in a circle drawing and discussing their “guy.” I would take a picture but have lost my camera (sob) so you will just have to imagine the sheer and utter uber cuteness of this scene.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

What I Have Learned

I had intended to post pictures from last Friday when we FINALLY got our first snow. If you could even call it a snow - maybe a 1/4 inch on the grass. Still it was enough for my son to wake me up the the anticipated "MOM! It snowed!" and for my kids to bundle up in their snow pants, coats, hats, boots, mittens, scarves - which honestly took long to put on and take off then they were out playing. All this will have to wait however because I have more pressing matters on my heart at this moment.

In the recent past I have to admit I felt like my life was a house of cards and it was tumbling around me. I felt like each time I was certainly at my breaking point and could not take one more thing, God would hand me something new and usually stressful or negative or even devastating. I have cried out on my knees so many times I have callouses. I have learned to not expect prayers to be answered or for me to be able to see the reason for hardships. Still I am human and I hope God continues to be patient with my temper-tantrums.

So today I had a choice to make. I could sit at home on my couch with my blanket and veg out in my depression and cry the day away I honestly I have done for more hours then I will ever admit to over the past days, weeks, months... you get the picture. Or I could take advantage of the BEAUTIFUL day we had been blessed with and take my kids to the park. Oh what the sunshine and fresh air did for not just my mood but my clarity as well.

So here are things I have learned or am learning:
  1. NEVER say you are at your wits end, cannot take any more, at the end of your rope, give up, or other such fatalistic things. God will always prove you wrong.
  2. I am not a patient person. I loose it quickly and gain it back slowly.
  3. I sigh way too much and way too loud and over very little things.
  4. If I start my day off with prayer and return to it frequently, I am much happier and a WAY better mom.
  5. I speak without thinking way too often. Especially to those closest to me.
  6. I need to stop and pray more often.
  7. I need my "me" time. I need quiet solitude sometimes, and companionship others.
  8. If I do not get my me time my patience is seriously depleted and I already do not have any to spare. See # 2.
  9. Coffee is a very good thing.
  10. I have a lot of love to give.
  11. Once I am deeply hurt it is very hard for me to heal and forgive and trust again. Even if the hurt comes from someone I am very close to.
  12. I cannot heal and forgive without God's help.
  13. For that matter I cannot do anything without God!
  14. Crying is good for the soul. Chances are if you cannot stop it, it shouldn't be stopped.
  15. I am so blessed to have such an amazing family - both traditional and friends.
  16. Just because I cannot feel Him, it does not mean I am alone.
  17. Money cannot buy happiness but a cute bag or pair of shoes does make me happy!
  18. That kind of happiness does not last.
  19. I know where true happiness comes from.
  20. Happiness is a lot of work!
  21. Being your authentic self is hard but so much better than the alternative. This one I am learning as a self-confessed people-pleaser. Luckily I have wonderful examples in my life.
  22. I am a family girl and being separated from them (immediate and extended) is very hard on me.
  23. I struggle with contentment. See #2o
  24. Sometimes raising your voice is acceptable but it should not be the go-to response.. unless there is a fire.
  25. Saying "I'm sorry" is not a sign of weakness but of great strength and can teach a child more than any amount of schooling or yelling ever could.
  26. Saying "no" is sometimes a very good thing.
  27. Do not get into the habit of saying "no" all the time.
  28. Surprise bubble gum is a very good thing!
  29. Parents who succeed and enjoy homeschooling are a great wonder of the world. I am not one of them. Again see #2.
  30. My kids are totally awesome!

There is so much more I have learned and that I am currently learning. Right now though I have to go get my daughter from school and maybe a latte on the way home for me. Coffee makes me happy too!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

More Birthday Pictures

Another round of cake & ice cream, presents and a big robotic mouse couldn't hold a candle (hah!) to the joy of celebrating 6 years of Happy-ness!









A new scooter!












She told me she filled her basket with dandelion stems because she could not find any beautiful flowers on our street. Well honey, it is November.



I love this expression!






So admittedly I am not the most technologically savvy and apparently not the best videographer because I filmed this sideways. To my defense I did think I would be able to rotate it. Watch it anyways though because it is really cute!

video

I Want Snow!

I may regret this in a month or so but right now, at 10:45 pm on Thursday, November 13th in the foothills of Colorado I am ready for the first snow of the season. It has not happened yet! I heard the latest first snowfall for the Denver Metro area on record is Nov. 22nd so we it will be unlikely to beat the record but I guess it could happen. I can see it in the high country and may have to take the kids out to find some if we do not get our own soon just to get my fix.

I am so thankful for what the unseasonably warm weather has brought to us. We have not had to pack away summer clothes yet, although our closets and drawers are over flowing with two seasons' wourth of clothes in them. Our dog has not been neglected, having plenty of time playing with the kids in the yard and going on long walks. The other day my two fair skinned kids actually got a little pink to their cheeks that was not from cold or wind burn!

Still I am ready for the chill in the air right before it snows. The joy in my children's voices when they wake up to fresh snow outside. Building snowmen and Snow Blobs. The crunch really cold snow makes when you walk on it. Quietly sitting with a hot chocolate watchin the snow fall outside. Watching my dog race through the snow, throwing it in the air with his nose and just being plain hilarious!

Yep, I want snow.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Pictures

Look who is 4!
Here posing with her birthday cookies she shared with her MOPPETS class.

After opening presents we went to E's shoice for dinner which of course was Chuck E. Cheese.

Here she is trying to kick Barney off of her ride.
I love this kid!

E & Mom riding a rollercoaster ride that was really pretty fun!

E and Dad playing Deal or No Deal.


Had to see the mouse which still sort of freaks E out.
Me too, honey.

I don't know what her father is thinking but I see no resemblance between her and I.

Back home for cake and ice cream!


video

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

I have had a lot of things on my heart and mind lately that I have felt compleled to share, but each time I tried I just sounded like I was venting. No one deserves to hear that! Tonight I was blessed with two blogs I read regularly that said what was on my heart. I am not going to link to them though because then I came across this lovely post from another favorite blog of mine. This put everything into perspective for me so I am just going to put it down for I may have to pick it up again tomorrow. God bless you, bloggy friends. Sweet dreams.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Happy Birthday, Happy!

Today I celebrated the 6th birthday of my darling daughter. My sweet second born baby and first born daughter. She is the answer to my prayer to have a sibling for our son, and a child that looked like me. She is also the answer to the curse of my mother that I should have a child just like me one day! She is a caring, dramatic, excitable, intense, and a very happy girl who is full of surprises and more than I ever hoped for in a daughter. It is such an honor to watch her grow!

Being who I am I have to share her birth story. I will try to keep it shorter than her sister's was.

We tried for 6 months to get pregnant. We had just decided to stop trying and were getting used to and even a little excited about the fact that we might have only one child when I found out I was pregnant. That was her first of many surprises! My pregnancy was miserable. I had hyper-mobile joints and a bulging disk in my lower back on top of the typical pregnancy related aches and pains like sciatica (both sides). I was never happier to go into labor as I was when I woke up the day after her due date.

I woke up early in the morning, just as the sun was rising. My parents were visiting and I could hear them in the living room so I joined them. We hung out for a couple of hours while we got ready and I sat on my birth ball making sure I was in true labor. Then we called our doula and headed to the hospital.

The drive was terrible. Every bump hurt like mad and I kept telling Steve to stop it. Sadly he could not magically flatten the road or something. What's up with that? Luckily is was Saturday morning so traffic was not a problem as we swerved across town to the hospital. It was a glorious morning. Bright, sunny, cool and crisp - just as I envisioned it every time I visualized her birth.

I had a cesarean with Z 2 1/2 years earlier so I was already considered "high risk." I did a ton of research and became a doula in that time so I was prepared to fight for my VBAC. Fortunately my nurse was awesome and quickly put my mind at ease. My room was HUGE! Wall to wall windows lined the wall and I had a beautiful view of the trees and old homes that surround the hospital. Again it was just as I had visualized. We cranked up the music as I walked and danced around. I wanted to stay as far away from the bed as possible! For the first time in about 6 months my hip, back and other body parts were not in pain. I felt great! My mom showed up and a little while later my brother, his wife and my son arrived. For about 2 hours it was a party! Around noon my brother and his wife took Z out to lunch and I tried relaxing in the tub. Honestly I hated sitting still and being by myself so I got out pretty quick. That is when things changed.

I got very chilled getting out of the tub and it took me a while to dry my hair and get warm. I hate being cold and having wet hair. At the same time my contractions suddenly became a lot more intense. At some point my doctor came in and said I was complete but she did not urge me to start pushing and allowed my baby to descend naturally. I spent the next hour trying different chairs and positions, trying to get comfortable. Everyone was so supportive and loving. Eventually I chose to try the bed. All the dancing earlier wore me out!

Lots of pushing, lots of pain - pain I had never fathomed. My baby was not moving down. I thought something was wrong and started to get scared. I felt tears stinging my eyes but also felt if I began crying I would not stop and that would waste my energy. "Suck it up, Deann!" I scolded myself and pulled myself together. The doctor began to seem a little worried. At one point when I had been pushing for about 2 hours my doctor said if things did not start progressing I would have to have another cesarean. My mom said it looked like something inside me snapped. A few more huge pushes and my baby had moved a lot. "She has hair!" someone said. Before long her head was born - oh how glorious that felt! (Turns out her hand was up on her cheek while I was pushing which is why it was so slow and painful.) One more push and her tiny body was born.

Now I always thought that at this moment I would be flooded with love and something priceless and poetic would flood from my lips filled with a mother's undying love. In reality my first thought was that her head looked like a woman's softball - it was perfectly and totally round!. That and she looked nothing like my son - like she wasn't even mine. I laughed out loud and grabbed her, pulling her to my chest where we were covered with blankets and left alone for 2 priceless hours. She made a small cry when first born but then was so quiet and still. Her eyes took everything in. It was amazing.

Minutes after she was born my son was brought in. He quietly came up beside me in bed. At first he whispered so quietly you couldn't hear him but then he gently said "Hi Baby." She lifted and turned her head to look at him with a look of recognition. It blew me away.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Happy Hollow-weeny!

I forget which child I heard say this but it still makes me giggle to this day.


Halloween is not my favorite holiday, if you can even call it a holiday, but that is a different discussion for a different day. It does, however, fall in my favorite time of year so I do love it. I love talking with my kids as they try to decide what to be and then trying to hunt down the perfect costume.


Z wanted to be a Storm Trooper or Clone Trooper. I forget which but that is OK because I found out they are the same thing. Who knew? That was a simple purchase at Target but not at all creative or fun for me. Steve had fun finding him a blaster to go with the costume though. It must be a boy thing ... but at least he accessorises!


K wanted to be Sandy from Grease. We have watched this movie about 3 times a week if not more for the last month or so. When it is not on the TV my kids are singing and reenacting scenes. It was cute for the first few weeks. Now I am so over it.



I loved the idea of my little beauty dressed in a cute poodle skirt so I was very excited about this. I remember when my mom made me a poodle skirt one year and I loved it! Unfortunately my little angel did not want to be the Sandy Cheerleader, or Sandy at the Dance, or even just plain cute Sandy in a poodle skirt. No, she wanted to be Sandy from the end of the movie. You know, the one in the leather jacket, skin tight pants, red high heels and way too much make-up. Sexy Sandy. *wimper*



I figured there was no way I would find all the pieces but did the Mommy thing and tried. I was amazed to find a like-new almost-leather jacket at the thrift store for just a few bucks that I actually think she will wear again. I tried to poof her hair up a little more and let her wear some lipstick (which was the same color as her lips naturally) and plain black pants. It wasn't perfect or what she had in mind but she liked it and it was age appropriate!


E was my most creative this year. She wanted to be the blue fairy from Veggie Tales An Easter Carol. I figured I would have no problem finding a blue dress at the thrift store and then some simple angel wings. No luck. I did find a decent fairy costume that E agreed would work.

They still turned out pretty cute though, doncha think?




And even better - for the first time in our children's lives their costumes did not have to be covered up by their snow pants, coats, boots, gloves, hats, etc.

It was a busy week with all the Halloween festivities and E's birthday, which I will share pictures from soon.

Monday, November 3, 2008

30 Hours and Counting...

Signs the presidential race has gone on too long.

Hearing the following from your young children:
"I am Z. S. and I approve this message. GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"
Sigh. "John McCain - I just don't care."

Walking through the book store the other day my 5 year old was able to recognize both candidates and recognized Sarah Palin as "that lady who works for John McCain."

Our new car game is counting Obama vs. McCain stickers or signs on people's yards.

If you have not already done so, please get out and vote! If you live near me I will watch your children so you can get out to the polls. If you do not live near me get together with your neighbor, friend, classroom parent, spouse, parent, whoever, and arrange some way to get out and vote. If you do not vote then you forfeit your right to complain about any choices the elected officials make... but you still have to live with them.

Friday, October 31, 2008

And Finally the Conclusion

Thank you Ina May Gaskin for including the Sphincter Law in your Guide to Childbirth because it was this that I thought of at this moment and which probably saved me a lot of pain. (yeah – that part I edited.)

“The baby is coming.” I calmly shared with my panic-stricken EMT.

“We’ll be at the hospital soon. Just hold on. Don’t push.” He said.

Yeah right. Again if you have given birth vaginally, especially naturally, you will identify this statement as ludicrous because the human body cannot control the natural mechanism known as ejection reflex. I did not even really understand it yet although I was about to.

Another contraction hit as they lifted me into the ambulance and the baby began to crown. Again I told them the baby was coming and again they said to hold on. I think my next thought was something helpful like “Idiots.” I hope I only though that…

The doors to the ambulance closed and they made Steve get in the passengers seat. Suddenly I felt the strangest and most wonderful sensation I have ever felt. It was like all the power in the universe was being pulled into a swirling ball at the top of my belly. Time slowed down to a crawl… sound was muffled and soft like coming from a far distance… the sun had not risen over the trees just yet so the light was still soft. No sooner had I noticed all this when time sped up suddenly and I managed to get out “He’s coming!” (Remember, I was having a boy because I said so.)

They put the ambulance in drive.

Whoosh!

“He’s here!”

Slam the ambulance back in park.

“What?!” came from four mouths and directions.

Yes, in one contraction my baby was born. No pushing. No head first, then shoulders, etc.

It was 7:10am. Just over 2 ½ hours from when I was sure I was in labor.

I could not get the seat belts off fast enough as I pulled at the sheets. One EMT grabbed my baby and told us we had a girl.

What?! Lemme see that.

He began to towel her off really roughly. I kept fighting my clothes and the stupid gurney and sheets and telling him to give her to me. I knew getting her skin to skin was the best way to calm and warm her but he wouldn’t give her to me. Jerk.

Finally he handed her to me. At this time my mom and son’s sweet face popped up in the windows of the ambulance and I yelled “It’s a girl!” Steve is still in the passenger seat, twisting around trying to see his daughter.

Eventually we hit the road. As we turned onto the highway heading west to the hospital, I could see the sunrise just over the eastern horizon. It was so beautiful.

Once at the hospital we were both checked out and fine.

It is interesting to my how this, my quickest labor and easiest birth, when typed out is my longest birth story. Someday I will post my other stories. Right now my fingers are tired and I have a big girl I need to go love on and cuddle with while she is still small enough to let me!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

More of the Story

Here is the second installment of the story I began about my youngest daughter’s birth. I tried to edit it but seriously how can a mother edit one of the best days of her life that is still so vivid it could have happened this morning?! So read on with the warning that this may be a serious dose of TMI!

Jump forward a week and I am now officially beyond tired of being pregnant. I was over my kidney stone and ready to give birth. On Oct. 27th there was a full Harvest moon and an eclipse so I figured the astronomy was in my favor. Steve was out with friends so I took the kids out for Taco Bell (mine covered in Fire sauce) after walking around the mall for a couple of hours. Plus a storm was moving in. I had my bases covered. It had to happen.

And it did!

Around 1:10am I woke up to a decent contraction. I called my mom and we decided to wait it out so she did not have to make the drive for another no-show. I got in the shower to see if they would stop. They were much less when I got out so I called my mom and told her to go back to sleep. At 4:30am I woke up to another good contraction. Hmmm… this might be it! I called my mom again and she hit the road. I waited until 5:00 before I woke up Steve so he could get ready. I was afraid to jinx it! I waited a while longer and then called my doula to give her the heads up.

The contractions were really smooth and consistent and I felt great. Steve was anxious to get going but I was not feeling ready to go to the hospital yet. My mom arrived right around 6:30am. The plan was for her to stay with the kids while we went to the hospital but once she got there I wanted her with me. The contractions were stronger at this time but still bearable as long as I was in a good position. We decided to go to the hospital but only after we called my cousin over so that my mom could meet us at the hospital in about a half hour.

Once in our van I realized we might have waited too long. A huge contraction hit as we were backing down the driveway. It was completely different from any I had felt to this point. I grabbed Steve and yelled “STOP!” Baby was coming and was coming now! I had to get back in the house. All I could think of what if my water broke in my new van with leather seats.

The van was too close to the car in our driveway for me to get out so Steve came and actually tilted the van enough for me to get out. It was one of those crazy, adrenaline moments I guess. I was so impressed!

Steve called 911 on his cell while my mom helped me get back into the house. All I was thinking was to get to my kitchen (off my carpet and hardwood floors), and what I needed my mom to get for the birth. I am not the neat freak in typical situations but apparently in birth I am. All my doula and midwife assistant training I suppose.

Meanwhile the 911 operator was asking Steve a bunch of questions but all I heard was

“Yes, she knows the baby is coming.”
“Yes, she is sure.”
“No they are coming really fast… maybe every 30-60 seconds or so”
“No, this in our third baby.”
“She knows what she is talking about here. She is a professional doula
How cute!

Around this time my son came downstairs. Very calmly I explained between contractions that the baby was coming really soon so the paramedics are coming to help and that he needed to stay on the couch and out of the way. He curled up on the couch, looking over the arm watching me. So cute! Another time I will go into how we prepared our kids for the births of their siblings but he knew what was going on and why.

Then my water broke. It was not clear so I became a little worried. Steve told the 911 operator who did not seem to understand what meconium is. Great.

We live a few blocks from the firehouse and could hear the sirens but my contractions were coming and I was not sure they would make it. All I wanted was their oxygen tanks – the rest I could do on my own!

The paramedics arrived and were nearly frantic about getting me off my hands-and-knees on my kitchen floor and onto the gurney. From my perspective the gurney was about 4 feet off the floor and I had a human trying to exit my body – were they serious? At this point I decided to ignore the paramedics.

Several minutes and contractions passed when the only female paramedic suggested lowering the gurney. I liked her. Until she asked me to get on my back.

Now I do not know if either of you reading this have ever given birth naturally but in most cases moving at this stage in labor, and especially getting on your back, is ridiculous if not impossible. I tried so hard to convince them to leave me alone but frankly I was a little preoccupied and they were sure they could get me to the hospital. I relented and worked my way onto their stupid gurney but on my side. In my mind’s eye I imagine I looked like Cleopatra with seatbelts… go with it.

Keep in mind by now it is about 7:00am so all of my neighbors and up, getting their morning paper, starting their day… except today when they were greeted by a fire truck and ambulance with lights blazing and a moaning neighbor being wheeled across her driveway. This was my thought as another contraction hit and I felt my baby move waaaay down.

Oh. My. Gosh.

Well I am going to leave you hanging again because this is already really long but also because I am a brat like that.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Memories...

Well my prayers and pleads did not stop the clock so in just a few short hours my baby will turn 4. * sob weep moan *

OK. Now that I think I have most of that out of my system for, oh, say the next 20 minutes.

My mind is wandering back to what I was doing 4 years ago today. It is a terrific story really (not that I am biased or anything) so grab a cup of tea and settle in for a heart-warming and wonderfully weaved tale of the strength of the human spirit and a mother’s love.

Alright, alright. Maybe that is over stating things a little. Still I hope you read on.

It all started a couple days before Valentine’s Day in 2004 when I was complaining to a friend on the phone about how tired I had felt lately. She asked if I might be pregnant.

What?




No!





Well….








So the next day I took a test in the bathroom of Target. Pathetic I know, but I could not wait until I got home. Almost immediately two lines showed up and I began to laugh out loud. I am not sure what the other women in the bathroom thought about that, but my 15 month old daughter looked at me like I was crazy.

The next day was Valentine’s Day. Steve, the kids and I were walking in an event I had organized to raise awareness on cesarean sections and VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Before we left the house I gave Steve a cute Valentine’s Day card. Then I gave him this one…


He was stunned. Even Z who was almost 4 at this time wondered what was going on. We had just begun discussing if we would add to our family. Steve instantly said he thought it would be another girl. As the day went on he got more used to this surprise blessing and the planning began!

My due date was October 21, 2004. It was a Thursday and because my other two children were born on Saturdays I just figured my baby would be born on Saturday as well. Ah, the joy of blissful delusion. On that that note I also thought I was having a boy. No, we did not find out during the ultrasound, but I had a strong feeling. OK, I’ll be honest. I actually felt we were having a girl but I really wanted another boy so I just stuck with that because we all know the mother’s desire is what determines the sex, right. No?

The afternoon of my due date I took my 4 and almost 2 year old to Sonic for lunch. On the drive I began to feel some contractions. I had felt many Braxton hicks contractions throughout this pregnancy and these were different. Instead of eating there, we got our lunch to go and headed home. On the way I called my doula, just to give her the heads up, and my mom, so she could make the 3 hour trip to our house. Oh and of course I called Steve! I think…

As the afternoon progressed so did my contractions. By mid evening I was having a lot of back pain and could not get comfortable, so we headed to the hospital. Long story short the pain became excruciating, I was not behaving very lady like, and was ready for this kid to COME OUT!

But I was only 1 cm dilated!!!

What?!

So we waited another hour while I continued with my aforementioned behaviors and still no change. And to make matters even more perfect – the contractions were not registering on the monitor so they wanted to kick me out. Around this time I remember asking Steve to get me another c-section because I could not keep going. My other two labors were nothing like this and I was scared. Then it occurred to somebody (probably me) that the pain was not going away in-between contractions and was localized in my right lower back. To be honest it felt like a large piece of rebar was stabbing me through the kidney.

Through all of this my doctor seemed so unconcerned with this. Something about the screams from the next room being a lady having a baby or something. Whatever. I WAS IN PAIN! Fix me!

Eventually I got a shot of morphine. They must have thought this was going to shut me up and get me out. No. It just gave me enough relief that I could talk and tell them exactly why I was not leaving. After another shot and a few labs they figured I probably had a kidney infection and I begrudgingly left with antibiotics and pain pills but no baby.

:(

Side note – it turned out to be a kidney stone and yes it is worse than childbirth.

This us already very long so tune in next time for the conclusion of this amazing tale of the ages.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

A Walking Contradiction

OK so just mere days ago I was wishing time would speed up. Now I want to take it back. Please oh please Lord make time stop! Or at least slow down. A lot.


Why this sudden change of heart?





















My sweet baby is turning 4 on Tuesday. That is not "baby" anymore. Not even toddler. That is, well, ... girl! I am not ready to have big kids! All of my denial over this fact is being spent pretending her older brother and sister are not 8 and almost 6 and in 3rd grade and Kindergarten. Oh why do they have to grow up?

To make matters worse my darling baby has hit the "FOURS." Some kids hit the terrible twos, for others it is the terrible threes. She did not have either. It has been almost four years of mostly easy-going bliss. Now she has this attitude and my-oh-my what an attitude she has. This switch has been very sudden and just drives home the fact that she is growing up and I do not have a baby anymore. *tear* Pray for me! And my poor hubby who has a snotty 4-year-old and an emotional wreck of a wife.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Is it Nov. 4th yet?

I do not mean to complain even though I know I am but seriously can Nov. 4th get here any slower? I am tired of the constant commercials of the candidates, the issues, the amendments, and the non-stop commentary over every thing they say or do. It comes down to one thing - you cannot believe a word of it as truth. Everything is a spin. Even the things I hear that I like I know are a spin and need to be taken with a grain of salt (whatever that means).

Even more then all that I am at my limit with all the bickering and obsessing over these four individual's personal lives. Not the big stuff that matters mind you, their character should be examined very carefully. For example, the thing I think that pushed me over the edge was the hoopla over Sarah Palin's Newsweek cover photo. Yes I know that is weeks ago and off the radar but I am behind in my blogging so bear with me. Some people complained it was unflattering because it showed she has crows feet. For crying out loud she has 5 children! I would love to look as "bad" as they said she looks and I only have 3 kinds and I am not in the very stressful arena of politics.

All I can say is thank you Mr. Tivo for allowing me to record anything I may possibly want to watch so I can skip though the commercials. Nov. 5th you cannot come fast enough.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Clouds

It is a little known fact about me but I am a total weather bug. I should have been a meteorologist. Coulda woulda shoulda.

Anyway...

Today's clouds have me all excited! They looked so strange and threatening. It has been raining on and off today and the mountains beyond the foothill west of Boulder seem to have been swallowed by The Nothing. I took this picture this afternoon:
(disclaimer: these were taken on my camera phone so do not expect high quality!)
Pretty incredible isn't it?! Funny thing is that we got only a tiny rainstorm from this cloud and the parking lot we were in was actually quite sunny! At about 11 o'clock you can even see some blue sky pointing through! You gotta love Colorado and its schizophrenic weather. From fog to sun to rain to sun to wind to who-knows-what! That is just today and it is only 5pm!

Now it is all cloudy and cold looking outside so I think I am going to make some hot cocoa!

Yum!

Oh, here are a couple other great cloud pictures I took a while ago for all you closet-weather-lovers out there!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

A Beautiful Day

Hmmm... Christmas Card?






No E is not pulling up her pants. She was walking with her hands on her hips in a huff. Heaven help me.






















In my opinion there is nothing better than a lovely autumn day with my family and my camera. Sunday I got to spend the entire day with my family up in the mountains looking at the changing leaves.
I cannot remember a year when the aspens were so explosive with color! The golds, reds, and oranges just took my breath away! Sure it was a little rainy but that did not stop us from running around and celebrating how creative our God is!
Go God!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

New Favorite


Having a bad day? This site is sure to cheer you up. I was definitely ROFL! I have seen a few of these pictures and captions in emails before but there are hundreds more! Enjoy!

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Can You See The Hand of God?

I can.

This is my cousins truck following it hitting a pole at 60 MPH. She was driving home from work late the other night, got too close to a curb, over corrected and hit a pole. (She had not been drinking.) The officers on scene said had she been just inches more to the right it probably would have killed her.

See where God laid his hand?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Hmmmm... Something to Ponder

I know I have said a few times before that I am not a political person. I truly believe that is so. That being said I keep finding very interesting and at times disturbing tidbits in my hours of insomnia. Some I don't even bother posting because of the fear that this friendly and light-hearted blog becoming serious and heavy.

So I keep hearing about this debate over off-shore drilling. One guy says its the solution to all our problems, another says it will be the demise of our ecosystems or something (did I mention I think I have ADD? yeah - can't make it though most articles or anything else for that matter. Good times.) So I did a search on it which sent me to a bazillion different places and articles but this is the one I had not heard much on and found the most interesting and believable (and it was pretty short - relatively. Yea for me!)

To be transparent I want to add that I am an Obama supporter but willing to be open-minded to all the issues out there. I went into this search of mine looking for the truth behind this issue/debate, not to find material to support one candidate over another. I think that is why I like this article - it does not let either candidate or their position appear flawless or perfect.

The Truth About Off-Shore Drilling by Michael Schwartz
Dean Baker of Truthout recently published a wonderful article about McCain's plan for oil drilling off the Florida coast.
Baker makes three very important points about this plan.
First, there is simply not enough oil there to make any kind of difference in terms of the energy crisis: "The Energy Information Agency (EIA) projects that if we go the drilling route, we could hit peak production of
200,000 barrels a day by 2030." This is a trivial quantity, amounting to about 0.2% of the world's production at that time, and about 1% of the U.S. consumption right now. It would increase domestic production by less than 3%. So offshore drilling would do nothing at all to reduce the price of oil or to "reduce dependency on foreign oil," to invoke everyone's favorite slogan.
Second, Baker makes the point that the media has severely distorted the debate between McCain and Obama:
"The media have portrayed the disagreement between Senators Obama and McCain as to whether to allow drilling in the currently protected offshore areas as a question of values. Senator Obama values the environment, while Senator McCain wants to bring down energy prices and promote economic growth."
This portrayal of the debate is a complete misrepresentation, since "McCain's plan will have no measurable impact on the price of oil or on economic growth. In other words, Senator McCain is willing to jeopardize the environment in these protected areas for nothing."
Finally, Baker makes this telling point, that there are easy-to-execute conservation measures that would do far more to reduce the oil crunch:
"There are alternatives to drilling for oil in environmentally sensitive areas that can produce real results. Conservation is the most obvious.... Suppose we raised average fuel efficiency to 40 MPG by 2030; this would save us more than 5 million barrels of oil per day, 25 times as much as we would get from Senator McCain's offshore drilling. Since many cars sold today already get more than 40 MPG, this is hardly an unrealistic target. Wherever we set our targets, the simple arithmetic shows that it is far easier to have an impact on oil markets through conservation than drilling in environmentally sensitive areas."
Baker did not, however, ask this question: Why would McCain advocate such a plan, instead of the straightforward conservation measures that are much better?
There are two answers to this question.
First, though McCain's plan for off shore drilling will not ease the energy crisis, it is a dandy piece of patronage for the oil industry. Halliburton and other oil service companies will get huge contracts to drill there, while the big distributors (Exxon and the gang) will be able to make very nice profits from extracting and selling the 200,000 barrels per day. (Profits from this amount of oil could easily exceed three billion dollars per year). The fact that taxpayers will foot the bill for government support of the project (including guarding the platforms, protecting them from weather, etc) and then pay the environmental price of its impact is of no never mind to McCain, since he can depend on the media to portray these expenses as the price we pay for alleviating the oil crisis.
Second, McCain does not want to impose 40 mpg on auto manufacturers because this would cut into their profitability by forcing them to develop hybrid and alternate fuel automobiles. These are expensive and problematic projects that the manufacturers know would cut into their already fragile profits. McCain, for his part, does not want to make the already struggling auto manufactuers "take one for the team." The same goes for all the other conservation measures (like cogeneration, which would reduce manufacturing profits, or insulation, which would reduce housing contractor profits).
The big point is this. During the energy crisis, Washington is conducting "politics as usual": exploiting public alarm to enact destructive policies that are profitable to a key corporate clients, and avoiding constructive policies that would probably reduce the profits of key corporate clients.
And let's keep this in mind. Though Obama has demurred on the off shore drilling scam, he has signed on to many others, including subsidizing shale oil extraction that could take down the Rocky Mountains, while remaining totally silent on key conservation measures.
What can we learn from all this? One lesson is that policies relating to the big problems facing our country turn out to be deeply entangled with the loyalty of government officials to the short term profits of the biggest corporations. Another lesson is that government officials can depend on the media to help them "justify" their service to industries by concealing the real impact of their policies.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

All Aboard!

Last week E and I got to have our special Mommy & Me Date, or as E calls it, our "play day." I think she means play date but leaves off the "t" and since she is my youngest and I am not ready for her to grow up anymore I refuse to correct her speech. Or let anyone else correct it for that matter.


So the two of us went to spend a day with Thomas the Tank Engine, one of her favorites. She is my only child who has gotten into Thomas and His Friends and I have to admit I have really enjoyed this with her. So last Sunday the two of us headed off to the Colorado Railroad Museum to ride Thomas and meet Sir Topham Hat. Sadly Sir Topham Hat had left for the day by the time we got there. What's up with that? She did however get to ride a big bus from the parking lot to the rail yard which was very exciting. Here are some of the other highlights for us.

Seeing Thomas for the first time

The train conductor


A picture with Thomas!!!


OK so this one needs some explaining. As we waited to get the above picture taken E asked if she could take a picture of Thomas. I handed her my camera thinking she meant the big engine we were about 4 feet from. Nope.

Playing, er I mean working on the big engine

How she does her "worker"

My favorite

Thursday, September 18, 2008

What is Going On????

Obama Waffles? Seriously?! Have you seen this? This has my blood boiling and my mind racing. It is all over the news and Internet so I am sure you have seen it by now.

Not only is this disgusting, offensive, bigoted and sets our society back about 50 years, but it further perpetuates the belief that Christians are all of these things because these horrible things were sold at Focus on the Family's Values Voters Summit in Washington, DC this past weekend. Values? Really? These are not my values! I am so infuriated I cannot hardly put my thoughts together.

I am not a political person. I learn what I need to know to vote for the candidates and issues I care about but I do not have the mind or patience get too in-depth. Shallow maybe. Please don't lynch me!

I am however a human and a Christian. There is nothing more important in my mind than being kind and caring for the other humans who share this earth with us. If I remember right the Bible tells us God created each of us equally. He loves each of us? Judge not least you be judged? Any of this ringin' and bells?

Regardless of your beliefs or whatever no one has the right to be so cruel. I expect more, much much much more than this from the religious leaders in our world. They are to be examples right? The ones we look to? The ones who represent us to the world? Or is that too old fashioned? Does that only apply to non-election years? Or just for the ones who look and talk like us? Give me a break.

This is How I Roll

Check me out.


I am so gangsta. In my minivan.

I think its a good look for me.


whadya think?


In case you cannot read it, my bling reads "50 cent." Do people still say "bling?" And it spins like those spinner hubcaps! It really is something to behold. You would have to see it in person to truly appreciate its beauty.



I am obligated, er I mean proud to wear this fine piece of jewelry because it is a gift from my son. He and his dad had their boy's date the other night and went to a restaurant/arcade where my son won this for me in one of those claw games. He was so proud of himself for winning me this amazing prize. I wish I could have captured his face as he gave it to me and told me how he won it - it was priceless! To make me even more proud of him, he used the majority of his tickets won from his games on matching stuffed kitty-cats for his sisters, each in their favorite color and only got a couple very small trinkets for himself. I do not know what we have done right. This kid is awesome.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Oh Yeah, I Have a Blog!

OK so I didn't really forget. The past days (weeks, months, years...) have been very demanding for me. Not that I am complaining. I really did not have anything to blog about anyway, at least not that I could keep in my head long enough to get them typed out anyway.

Tonight I had 46 entries to read according to my Reader. That is a personal record for me. I read most of them, and skimmed a few. And in case you are wondering of course I read and savored every word of yours. Honest.

Tonight as I caught up on emails, blogs, facebook, etc I was also half-watching My Big Redneck Wedding on the Country Music channel CMT. This show is hilarious. It made me reminisce about my own wedding which was 9 years ago this month. I began typing it out but it was very rambling so it will have to wait for another day. I need to go to bed!

Friday, September 5, 2008

We Interupt This Light-Hearted Blog for the Following Message

This is totally not what I had thought about talking about until I was waiting in the pharmacy (for an hour with three antsy kids btw… not that I am bitter or anything) and read about this in a magazine. Now I am not a very good environmentalist and I would make a terrible activist, but this got my blood pressure up and I knew I had to share. I am not trying to be political but this is one of the many issues we need to be educated on, know where we stand and where our candidate-of-choice stands before we cast our vote in less than 2 months. And please please do not just listen the the barrage of commercials we cannot escape from. Go to the candidates' websites and see where they really stand and what they are going to do in their own words.

We now return you to your previously scheduled blog.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Meme Love

This is my first MEME or Meme (what do I know) and I thought it was fun. I saw it here. If you choose to use it let me know so I can get to know more about you!

What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now? Steve has a Neutrogena bar, I have a grapefruit gel with moisturizing beads and the kids'
Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator? Yep!
What would you change about your living room? My couch. This poor thing has been well used and is about to fall apart. Well, fall apart more...
Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty? Dirty
What is in your fridge? Enough food to feed a family for weeks - leftovers galore
White or wheat bread? Whole wheat only, much to my family's dismay
What is on top of your refrigerator? A partial carton of peaches, 3 cookies, a bowl of fruit (bananas that will now be used for bread and an apple to be exact) and a lazy Susan that has gum, sharpies, odds and ends and dust. Ew.
What color or design is on your shower curtain? No curtains, just old, ugly doors. :(
How many plants are in your home? 7 very sturdy and resilient, neglected plants
Is your bed made right now? Amazingly yes! Even more so - I did it! No joke!
Comet or Soft Scrub? Ummm... not sure.
Your closet organized? Mostly
Can you describe your flashlight? Um... what?
Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home? plastic for cold drinks, glass for wine (I am so high class)
Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now? No. :(
If you have a garage, is it cluttered? No. And if you have met my sweetly over-compulsive hubby you would know that.
Curtains or blinds? curtains
How many pillows do you sleep with? 2-4 but always my favorite memory foam one. It is my prized possession.
Do you sleep with any lights on at night? a few nightlights throughout the house
How often do you vacuum? Every day or two but Steve does daily.
Standard toothbrush or electric? Electric and I LOVE it!
What color is your toothbrush? purple and white
Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch? Yes but it does not say "Welcome"
What is in your oven right now? crusty tin-foil
Is there anything under your bed? I hope not. The frame broke so anything that was there is in sad shape now.
Chore you hate doing the most? putting away laundry
What retro items are in your home? me
Do you have a separate room that you use as an office? Sort-of.
How many mirrors are in your home? Geesh. I had to walk around and count but we have 6
Do you have any hidden emergency money around your home? I have been known to use my son's old coin box if that counts. (And yes I always replace what I borrow!)
What color are your walls? Mostly white. Front room and K's room are tan, bathroom a fabulous light blue, other bathroom not so fabulous light blue, kitchen is a beautiful royal blue which I love love love. Horrid paneling going up the stairs and in the upper hallway. Sooooo ugly - don't get me started. One wall in our room too - heaven help me. E's room is a pale yellow.
Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home? Just me in the morning...
What does your home smell like right now? Hopefully not like our pets...
What kind of pickles (if any) in your fridge? A Costco sized jar of dill.
What color is your favorite Bible? I do not have a favorite but the one I usually use is purple.
Ever been on your roof? No. It is very steep and I almost fell off the one time I tried.
Do you own a stereo? Yes. A couple I think depending on how you define stereo.
How many TVs do you have? 3
How many house phones? 3
Do you have a housekeeper? Yes, his name is Steve and while it is a benefit to be married to an over-compulsive man in some aspects, it is not as great as you may think.
What style do you decorate in? Second-hand chic.
Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints? Usually solids.
Is there a smoke detector in your home? 3 or 4
What are the items in your house which you’d grab if you only could make one quick trip? Pictures and my pillow. Truly. I love it so much. Mmmm.... I am going to bed now to enjoy my fabulous pillow.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Gargantuan Steps

Today was a big day for us, although from the outside it would have appeared very normal.

First of all we did not get the call we were hoping for. The one that was offering Z a spot that miraculously came open at K's school. Instead I began the process of enrolling him in home school. I was oddly surprised at how complicated it was. Not sure what I was thinking there...

Secondly I removed the crib from E's room. I know what some of you may be thinking. "What?! The girl is nearly 4! (In October but still...) What is the world took you so long?!" I honestly don't know what we were thinking. It sort of snuck up on us. It was the first time we did not have to move the current crib-sleeper out to make room for a new baby. It is also the first time in 8 years, 5 months and 17 days that we have not had a crib assembled in our home. *tear*

It was a bit emotional for me so I attacked it in my typical defence mechanism of jumping in full-steam and distracting myself with the task at hand. So I tore down E's crib, hauled it downstairs, hauled her new bed upstairs and put it together. (Back story - she has been sleeping on her mattress on her floor for a few weeks to get used to it.) E is of course elated by all this. She has not even touched her crib since she got her Big Girl Bed (*tear*) and loves the new bedding she got to pick out and how we rearranged her room. Props to the hubs here - it was his vision!

Look how tiny she looks!


Awww! She is so happy!

(The top blanket by the way is her most prized possession - the ni-night.)

Even Z got in on the excitement and fun!

So now I sit here facing a whole new world for our little family. One that includes home schooling but no babies or baby things. It is oddly peaceful and painful at the same time. Maybe God sees our family as it should be, or maybe there is a new soul that belongs with us someday. Right now we don't know and I think I am okay with that. At least I am getting there.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Another Happy-ism

My sweet 5 year old daughter K, who we call Happy, comes up with the cutest things.

Today at dinner she got in trouble and had to be in time-out while we prayed. When she came to the table she needed to pray on her own and chose to do it in her head.

First of all, this in itself is so unbelievably cute because she squints her eyes super tight and mouths or whispers her prayer. Not that I eves-drop or anything... pretty sure that would not be appropriate.

ANYWAY

As she wrapped up her prayer she suddenly rubbed the top of her head and said "Whoa! That made my head tingly!"
God bless this child!

She truly knows how to brighten my days ... even when I am nearing the "I am going to sell you to the circus" point.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Short Cuts!

I had a few things on my heart that I was struggling to get into type. I clicked through my Blogger Reader list and caught up on one of my new favorite blogs. I have never met this wonderful woman but each one of her posts speaks to me. This and this especially. So why re-write what she said much better than I could? It may be cheating but I prefer to call it efficient. Besides, if you are not already reading this blog you should be.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

So Sweet!

First Day of School

Check out her pose. She does this in every picture lately.

Today was K's first day of Kindergarten. It was sort-of anti-climactic. No tears or even a catch in my throat. We didn't even get inside the playground gate before she ran off, threw her backpack down and was making new friends. Moments later however, she came to us crying she had hit her head. Sure enough she had a dent in the middle of her forehead and a little cut. Her teacher took her to the nurse's office. I didn't even get a hug or kiss goodbye!

See the tiny bump right in the middle of her forehead?

Luckily as you can see she is just fine and luckily no ER visit or stitches were necessary. This time.

Steve struggled a little more with this being her first day of school. She has such a special place in her Daddy's heart.

Highlights from her day:

  • New friends - can't remember their names
  • Had two recesses
  • Gets to meet even more new friends tomorrow
  • Made a puzzle with her own hand print and got a sparkly, pink heart sticker on it.

Highlights for me:

  • Being informed that she only missed us for a minute but then forgot to
  • Big brother telling her he missed her (aww!)

Sadly today was shadowed by the situation with her older brother and the fact he has not yet been given a spot at her school. I do not understand open-enrollment. It seems to me only logical that if one sibling gets into a school, the others should too. I am sure there is some bureaucratic reason why they justify their system, but from my point of view it does not make sense. The last day for him to possibly get in is next Friday. After that we will choose a home school program and begin a new journey. One I am totally not prepared for and doubt I am capable of!

Our troubles with schools for Z began back in Kindergarten. From that point I have willingly and peacefully trusted God and have felt His hand and voice every step of the way. I clearly felt He was calling me to honor Steve's desire to no longer pay for private school. Everything went so smoothly until now. I just do not get it. It is so hard to watch Z struggle with disappointment and jealousy as he goes with me to take his sister to school but doesn't get to go. Even worse - the big kids are on recess at the same time.

And still as emotional and painful as this is for me I still feel at peace with our decisions thus far.

I know God is working and even though I cannot see the outcome or purpose, I know He does and that I truly do not need to worry about it. It occurred to me today that I am in a desert period of my life. It also occurred to me that there is a purpose greater than me or even my child's broken heart for this.

Two things came to mind in one of those driving-down-the-street-hits-you-out-of-nowhere-epiphany kind of ways.
1. Me in a desert.
2. I can externally be in a desert but still be filled with life giving water from the inside. (Temporal vs. Eternal - thanks in part to Kay Arthur I am grasping this!) I picture the tree beside the stream (Jer. 17:8) with its roots going deep into the ground where it is constantly "fed." Because I am in a desert my roots just need to be longer to reach the water I need. Convoluted? Possibly but it makes sense in my head and in my heart I know I am beginning to get it.